trust.

it’s hard to trust.

sometimes. most of the time.

it’s necessary to trust.

always.

recently, I’ve been constantly reminded of both of these things. how painfully hard it is to trust sometimes, and how painfully necessary it is. i’ve been forced to do a lot of trusting. clinging to the light at the end of the tunnel. trusting

others,

because i really can’t trust myself.

the struggle,

because the only way out sometimes is through.

God,

because His ways are higher than mine.


and let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. there’s been a lot of tears and a lot of brokenness, and there’s going to be a lot more. it hasn’t been fun and it won’t be. it’s not easy when things like

eating

keeping your head up

remembering what it’s like not to be hurting all the time inside

get so incredibly hard, and it feels like no one understands.

it’s not easy when existing hurts.

i don’t really have an aim with this post, other than the hope that if you’re reading this and you’re finding it hard to trust God right now — if you feel so painfully, painfully alone — i can share this with you: i’m there too, and we will make it through —

(hold on to that when you can’t hold on to anything else.)

— not by our own understanding, but by leaning on God’s.

not by solving our own problems, but pushing through the crushing pain and letting God carry them for us.

i love you all. trust your Father. and trust me when i say this: you are not alone.


gonna be real, guys, i don’t really know where this post went, but i hope it speaks to someone (without me going into too much personal detail about my own recovery) because chances are that someone out there is going through the same thing that i am. and it’s okay. it’s okay to feel lost. just hold on tight to the knowledge that even though it doesn’t feel like it, you’re not lost because God’s got you. ❤

sarah

p.s. ‘pologies for us missing the last few weekends of posts! we’re hoping to get right back on track next weekend.

p.p.s. thank you all so much for one hundred follows! we’re honored to have all you wonderful dreamers along with us. mwah!

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The Fortified Tower

Trembling, scared, afraid, emotions spilling over the top.

Tears spilling, nonstop, slowly becoming numb.

Blasting through your ears, forgetting about where you’ve come from.

On the phone, trying to explain, scared to talk.

Your best friend says it feels like you’ve already died.

The sad part is you think you want to.

Blood, scars, shame, humiliation, the world it dark.

You need someone, something, anything to protect you. It feels like no one cares and if they do they won’t understand.

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. – Romans 5:5

Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged. The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe and went up to him again and again, saying, “Hail, king of the Jews!” And they slapped him in the face… As soon as the chief priests and their officials saw him, they shouted, “Crucify! Crucify!” – John 19:1-2, 6

The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. – Proverbs 18:10

God loves us. He has poured His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.

Jesus understands. He was sent to earth and died one of the most painful deaths surrounded by people mocking Him. He lived a life of temptation and pain just as you and I.

The name of the Lord is a fortified tower. If you run to it, you will be saved.

That verse isn’t a fill in the blank. You can’t say “Music is a fortified tower. If I listen to it, I will be saved,” or  “My boyfriend/girlfriend is a fortified tower. If I run to them, I will be saved,” or “Self-harm/drugs/drinking is a fortified tower. If I run to them, I will be saved.”

Sounds ridiculous, right?

Except we drown ourselves in our music to forget the world. We find people to date to make us feel worth something again, but it only ends in heartbreak. We self-harm to make our lives feel justified or do drugs and drink to forget the world around us.

But does the Bible advise us to go running to all that?

No. God tells us to run to the one Who cares about you more than anyone else, the one Who understands you better than you understand yourself, and the one Who will never fall apart, leave you with more pain, or only give you a temporary solution.

When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. – Psalm 94:18

Every single time I’ve messed up, God has always been right there. Sometimes God tells me not to do things that hurt myself and I do them anyway, but He’s never said to me “You’ve messed up too many times and you’re no longer worthy of My love.” He’s always given me a reminder that He loves me and that He’s already paid the price for my sin; I don’t need to take guilt into my own hands.

So run to the Lord, and be safe.

If you are feeling suicidal, have had suicidal thoughts, or have harmed yourself, please talk to a trusted adult. There’s no issue “too small” to go over with.  If you ignore it, the problems will only snowball over time. God loves you and doesn’t want that life for you. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.

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